Sometimes I think of you and I wonder what is going through your mind. I know a lot of things that I could not share to other people because they do not have to know. At the same time, they would not believe me also. I had a hard time explaining it to myself as well. I remember a conversation I had with Renee, a girl I met in Georgetown. I said, “I’m confused. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know if I was really ever in a real relationship, with a real person. I feel like everything was made up. I could not believe he could do that…all the things he did to me are pure evil, and I still could not grasp that he is capable of such things because he looks like…an angel.”
It’s a new month again. Another month off my countdown. A few more and I’ll be saying goodbye to the place I call home for the past four years (almost). I’m still being asked if I’m really leaving and if there is still a chance for me to change my mind.
Honestly, I am in a point now where I am feeling scared. I have a job here…a big portion of our professionals are struggling to find a job that could make ends meet. I am in a good environment, no pollution, no traveling required to get to the workplace, I don’t have to pay for rentals, I have a car (that I love so much but I could not bring it home), I don’t have to worry about religious freedom, there is an assurance of a salary fortnightly. Why would I leave, right?
There are times when I would think of a lot of what ifs. I am also starting to feel homesick for this place. The people, the place, the activities…and the list goes on. I have adapted the island way of living.
Sometimes, I wish I am like most people. With that, I mean the people who has dreams that go like this: finish school, find a job, get married, get promoted (several times), have kids, retire. Life could have been a lot simpler for me and I would have gone a lot farther in my career already.
But as life would have it, I always choose to let go of things that are stable. Uncertainty definitely scares me…but certainty also does. If I don’t leave now, I know almost exactly how I would be years from now. I don’t have to look far, I just have to look around. There’s nothing bad with what I’m seeing, it’s just not how I dreamed my life to be.
I honestly don’t know where I’d be after Palau. I don’t have exact plans yet. I don’t know if there ever will be. But you know what the best part of my decision is? I started dreaming again. I would sometimes lose sleep thinking of all the possibilities. I would have an opportunity to work on what I really want. For that sole reason, I think I am making the right decision.
|The quote that inspired me four years ago, inspiring me again now.|
|What I’ve been reading the past couple of nights.|
(THIS IS NOT A BOOK REVIEW)
This is about a guy named Pat who has a personality disorder and has just been discharged from a mental facility and went to live with his parents. He sees his life as a movie and he believes in happy endings. His sole reason for everything he does is to be able to reunite with his wife, Nikki. He goes to a therapist regularly. He did not have a sense of time while in the facility and he cannot remember the details of how he got there. He remembers that he was mentally abusive to her before but he learned in his sessions that he would rather be nice than right.
This is also about Tiffany. She felt so guilty about the cause of her husband’s death that she developed a personality disorder. She loves dancing.
This lines toward the end of the book are what really got me:
“I’m a screwed-up person who no longer knows how to communicate with the people I love.” -Tiffany
Almost immediately the field turns white, and this is when Tiffany whispers the strangest thing. She says, “I need you, Pat Peoples; I need you so fucking bad,” then she begins to cry hot tears onto my skin as she kisses my neck softly and sniffles. It is a strange thing for her to say, so far removed from a regular woman’s “I love you,” and yet probably more true.
“I think I need you too.”
In a way, I think all of us are demented, some are better in hiding it than others. That, I think, is what makes us need other people.
I was not planning to blog today but I felt so inspired after our hospital ministry to one of our friends. It happened last night, they were coming home from church when they met an accident because of a drunk driver.
Our traffic rules here in Palau is kind of weird because we drive on the right side of the road and most of us have right-hand drive vehicles. Our friend (whom I will not name due to their request) was seated at the passenger side. She was the one who got injured the most. Her chin hit the dashboard (we don’t wear seatbelts too). I’m not sure if she became unconscious after but her husband arrived right when she was being carried to the ambulance.
Her husband lost it when he saw her situation. He just kept screaming and asking for the other driver who caused the accident. He said he even hit someone, maybe it was an officer.
This afternoon, we visited them in the hospital. We sang a few songs and I offered a short message. I thanked God that his wife is now safe and I also gave thanks for the fact that the other driver was not in the area anymore when the husband arrived. I jokingly said, if that happened, we could have two ministries to attend to today, hospital ministry and prison ministry.
Then he said his testimony. He said that he totally lost control upon seeing his wife. All he wanted was to hurt the one who hurt her. But his boss’ wife was with them and he heard her tell him to think about what he’s doing, that he has a job and that he might lose it all if he let his emotions take control. Even as they were about to leave (he went with the ambulance) the rescuers were still trying to cool him down but he yelled at the police officers asking them to tell the other driver that he will be waiting for him at the hospital and fight him there.
This morning, he tried to open his bible. He opened it in Ezekiel 2:1 “He said to me, Son of man, stand on your feet, and I will speak with you.” He felt God talk to him. He realized what he did last night. He realized that he lost his Christianity at that moment. He felt that God was teaching him a lesson that no matter what the situation is, we should still be able to reflect the character of Jesus.
I was really touched. Here is this man who could have lost his wife from the accident and yet he was able to hear God’s message to him. He said that maybe God knows that his wife is strong so he allowed it to happen to her to let him grow also spiritually. God’s ways are definitely not our ways but when we are willing to listen, we will hear His message.
I am also amazed at the fact that a co-worker was moved in our friend’s room last night. He is Indonesian and he drove himself to the hospital after having suffered a mild stroke. He was alone. Our other friend is also Indonesian who was supposed to go somewhere else this afternoon but had to stay after all of their plans just seem to go wrong. He joined us in the hospital ministry instead. There, he was able to give comfort to his countryman. Just like what I always say, I don’t believe in coincidence, they are all God-incidence. My voice cracked while I was singing these lines,
“God is too wise to be mistaken. God is too good to be unkind. So when you don’t understand, when you don’t see His plan, when you can’t trace His hand, trust His heart.”
Still, I will not let this opportunity slip to remind everyone to stop drinking alcoholic beverages. It’s doing a great damage to your brain cells and you are putting yourself and everyone else who gets close to you in harm’s way. A little angel could have lost her mom last night because a guy had one drink too many and still decided to drive.
Last week, there were chocolates.
Today, there were flowers.
Hopefully, it’s pizza next week. I’m kidding!!!
Last Sunday, I was able to attend an “Omengat” for the first time. It is a Palauan custom for women who just had their firstborn. It is a really beautiful occasion. I’ll blog about it, if I’m not too lazy *eye roll*.
On our way home, there was a beautiful rainbow. They say Palau is where the rainbows end. We took photos, and of course the obligatory perspective shots.
|The beautiful rainbow. God is definitely an artist.|
Here are the shots I took of my co-worker:
Then I said, “Now it’s my turn. Take my picture.” So I posed as if I was holding the rainbow, or so I thought. Until he gives me back my phone and I saw the photo.
and this caught my attention again. I’ve been looking for anything that boosts happiness all over the internet in the past few days because of the depressing news from home and from my Facebook news feed. So now, I decided to share 1 rule of happiness at a time.
“Some pursue happiness, others create it.”
Here goes the first rule:
It’s so tempting to feel sorry for ourselves specially when we know that we have reasons to be. We wallow in self-pity and just act like victims of circumstances.
We do it for several reasons. It could be that we feel like the main character in our favorite Filipino soap opera where 95% of the scenes would be her crying (the other 5% is flirting with the leading man) and in the end, everything turns out good for her.
Or we love the sympathy we’re getting from our family and friends because someone did something bad to us and we need all the attention we could possibly get.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. The only problem is you hinder your own progress because as long as we’re thinking that we’re miserable, we will be miserable.
So whatever might have caused you to feel sorry for yourself is already in past. You have to decide that you would not be a victim of that anymore and life has a lot more happiness to offer.
Always remember that everyone gets dealt with a bad hand every once in a while. It’s how you play your cards that matters.
Reminder: You’re awesome, you’re doing fine. Let’s party!
John 14:14 “If ye shall ask anything in my name, I will do it.”
After getting those messages, I just kept smiling for no reason. I believe that this day will be a great day, full of positivity. I will not be posting any rants today, I promise. I will only express all things positive (God help me).
So, to anyone out there who needs some dose of positivity, this is your shot for today. Life is great, we are alive, let’s celebrate!
My mom told me this morning that we have to Skype tonight and I told her I have a game, I would go online after. Now, I told my sister to tell her to go online and she told me that my mom is already asleep. Wow, mommy, really?
I just want to share that last Saturday, Cassey, one of the members of the Pathfinder Club asked me if I want to join her to Japan in December for a week. Oh wow, Japan is one of my dream destinations! I’ve been to five countries in Southeast Asia (Philippines not included) already so I said to myself that my next destination should either be Japan, South Korea or China. It’s been a couple of days since she asked me and I can’t stop thinking about it. Gaaahhhh!!!! You have no idea how a travel suggestion affects me. I’m still thinking of a way to make it happen. I’ll totally pray about it. Any willing sponsors? Any odd jobs available? Hashtag serious question.
|who wouldn’t want to be here???? (photo used without permission from island.com)|
Sure, I have bungee jumping and seeing the pyramids in my list but since the time I came to Palau, I’ve always imagined myself driving alone, going to the sea shore and watching the sunset. I usually work until 6 pm so there’s no time to go and watch the sunset because by the time I leave the office, it’s already dark. I also wanted to do it on a Friday afternoon so that I would be alone with God to meet the Sabbath. Today, finally, I was able to do it.
|T-Dock at Koror, Palau|
|Mr. Sun peeking|
Yep, it doesn’t take much to make me happy.