A Test?

Today I just want to throw in the white towel. Blame it to the lack of sleep but my patience is definitely being tested today. Last night, I had a feeling that my tire was flat while running but I did not bother to stop and check. Today, I was told that I would probably need to replace that tire. I love that car, I feel safe in it but right now, I don't think I can deal with it. I seriously want to sell it already. I could do without a car for a while.

My Quickbooks is giving me a hard time as well. There is a report that is not printing out correctly even after I spent the whole day yesterday trying to remedy the situation. I don't know how I would proceed without a significant misrepresentation.

There are days when everything is fine and dandy. NOT.TODAY.


Confused. Again.

I don't know where else to express my confusion. Twitter and my notebook were apparently not enough. I feel confused because I don't feel accomplished. When I am at the top of my game, I am confident, sure. Not right now. I know that everyone goes through this and eventually, things would be all great again but now is a time when I have to crawl figuratively through everything just to have some motion, just to keep moving.
For now, I just have to keep telling myself this: you will have it figured out when you need to have it figured out.

Books And Self-Esteem

I volunteered on screening books that would go into our library so I have just finished four books about middle school. This made me realize that generally, all books’ main characters are average, indecisive, with annoyingly low self-esteem, clumsy oftentimes, but with an amazing hidden talent but they think they are not good enough. They have friends who are pretty, confident, more willing to explore things.

I do not have any background in literature so I don’t know if this was some literature formula that the authors have to stick to to make the stories engaging or what. I am just wondering if these books are feeding the readers’ low self-esteem. Like, you should be totally unsure of yourself until some handsome guy helps you reach your full potential. 

I am also wondering if the stories are made that way because most bookworms are awkward in real life and have low social skills, to make them (us) feel better about ourselves? 

Most popular kids are not very much into curling up in their bedroom, reading books, you know? They’re out there, enjoying life, making adventures, having fun. Plus, you know what they say, good writers are excellent readers. So these authors were the awkward ones too before? Haha… I don’t know where I am going with this. It’s just an interesting observation. 

Day 4 Wo:rse am

Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission. Do you copy?

Today, I did not even eat breakfast. I just woke up, prayed, showered, got dressed, rushed to the devotional. 

Time check: 7:31.

I got up a couple of minutes before 7. My body felt too heavy to get up. I tried sleeping early last night but I can’t. I ended up reading until almost midnight. I need to reset my body clock but I’m not holding my breath for that one just yet.

Badminton tournament is still going on until the end of this month. I will TRY to sleep early each night but I have to hope that my body would cooperate with all the adrenaline rush it gets during games. 

Day 1 6:09 am

I have been trying to start my day early. Today, I finally decided to get out of bed after just one press of the snooze button. I usually press the snooze button until after 7:00. haha.


  1. Got up.
  2. Prayed.
  3. Drank water.
  4. Did 10 minute ab exercise.
  5. Cooked french toast.
  6. Ate breakfast.
  7. Turned on my Wi-Fi.
  8. Checked Twitter (while eating).
  9. Washed the dishes.
  10. Took a shower
  11. Got dressed.
  12. Brushed my hair.
  13. Rushed to the staff morning devotional.

Time check: 7:32 am.

Sunday Currently Vol. 2

Wow, it’s been more than a month! I survived the very busy season and now, I can have some good downtime again. 

Reading “Francona – The Red Sox Years”. I am not a follower of MLB. Reading about the lives of extraordinary people inspires me though and I don’t mind learning a thing or two more about baseball. I’m also reading “Prayers” by Ellen G. White. It is a very inspiring and powerful book that can change the way you pray. You know, not just uttering a prayer that won’t get past the ceiling, as a Filipino saying goes.

Writing. Just this entry. My most recent “writing” activity was when I made the promotional newsletter for the Agri and Aqua Fair last Friday.

Listening to the noise outside. Sounds of cars passing by and of construction.

Thinking of a lot of philosophical things and ideologies. Last week was a hard one to survive for me emotionally but God answered my prayers in a very tangible way that reminded me how He’s always there for me even if I am more overwhelmed by my troubles.

Smelling my breakfast. At 11:32 am. (Fried egg and toast)

Wishing to receive a travel/adventure surprise soon, preferably to 🇯🇵. 😉 

Hoping. Now, this part I am not so sure. My prayers just got answered and now I don’t know what else to wish for. To be stronger maybe? So that I would not have any problem for my trekking plan.

Wearing a long, black sleeveless dress that I only wear inside the house.

Loving the conversations I had last night. It gave me the much needed emotional boost.

Wanting to go out and eat and just feel pretty. 💁🏻

Needing to lose some fats in the tummy area. I haven’t gained weight but I look like it. #bloated

Feeling just right. Not ecstatic, not lonely, not excited…you know, one of those days when you are not wishing you are somewhere else but you also wouldn’t mind going out.

Wesley So And a Lame Article 

I was never a follower of chess except for the short period where I met the CEO of FIDE in 2012, Geoff Burg. Before that, my only exposure with chess was watching my uncle play until the wee hours of the night whenever we had family affairs. When I met Geoff, I was instantly attracted to his beautiful mind (and sexy accent) and I gave chess a try. He even encouraged me to go to Norway to be with  the Palau Women’s Team. Anyway, I was not able to join because I was about to go back to the Philippines then. I did not join the qualifying competition as well. I don’t know if I would ever have made the team if I tried to.

That was how I became familiar to the world of chess. I learned Kasparov and Carlsen and a lot of other top players’ names. Wesley So, I was familiar with because every once in a while, his name would be mentioned in the news whenever he wins a tournament abroad. Yes, only when he wins a tournament ABROAD. Apparently, for the Filipinos, the wins are only big when they are won abroad. 

Wesley eventually decided to join the USA  team and ditch his Philippine team. All of a sudden, the Philippines got clingy with him. They did not want to release him. If my knowledge is correct, he did not join a tournament for a year because the Philippines would not let him go. Only by not playing for a year would he be able to transfer.

Fast forward to 2017. So is now ranked as world #2. He is undefeated in his last 56 games. Then I read an article from abscbn.com which was titled, “The Filipinos Loss Is the Americans Gain.” I was appalled by this statement: 

In an article about So posted on the Star Tribune on Monday, the writer never mentioned he is a Filipino. Or was. And this is where the debate begins.

So has been playing for the United States Chess Federation since 2014, but he remains a Philippine passport holder.

The article did not mention that he is a Filipino because it is not important to them. It is not important to anyone at all (except for the Filipinos). Why do we love to claim the success of others when we have got nothing to do with their success anyway? Did the Philippines give him a scholarship to anything? Did they support him in any way? Now, all of a sudden, they would feel “betrayed” by someone who is only aiming to reach his full potential. Had he stayed in the Philippines, he would not have that opportunity of becoming a champion. We have very limited resources, little support. This is not like boxing where you have to slug it out. Philippines is a good venue for that because we can train even on the streets. Chess is different. The training, the discipline. It is a battle of minds. Where will Wesley find his equal in the Philippines for training when at a very young age, he is already above everyone else?

So please, just be happy for him and stop pushing that nationality issue to him. In telenovela speak, WALA KANG KARAPATAN! 

This Paradise Feels Like a Prison Sometimes 

I couldn’t compose a decent intro so I’d go straight to the point. This place is a mental prison sometimes. I know I have friends I can talk to online who would know exactly what I am talking about whenever I feel like it but there are times when I need someone who is physically here. Someone who would give me a real time reaction, spontaneous conversation. 

Don’t get me wrong. I have friends here and I love them all so much. They are all so precious. But I am looking for a fellow woman who gets me. I want the thoughts, ideas to flow, to be shared. I need the conversation where you lose track of time because both of you are learning from each other, not one monopolizing the conversation.

I miss being surrounded by really strong women. Women who are secure. I can’t even express it into words. It’s just that when you find them, you know. 

I have no problem finding men who I can talk to in that manner, their wives have a problem with me though. 😳


Have you ever felt like you want to laze around after a couple of strenuous months? I was so excited to get done with the audit and accreditation stuff so that I could go back to my regular schedule but after all the commotion, here I am, looking for that push and motivation to get started. 

That motivation is just around the corner for sure because what better motivation is there than a deadline? It’s almost the end of the month so I need to have the payroll ready or else. I have to work on the financial statements also for management review. I just wish I could sleep early and wake up early. If I’m up early, it’s an almost sure indication that that day will productive. It’s soooo hard to get out of bed early though. There’s a badminton tournament again and I just can’t sleep early no matter how tired I was. Actually, the more physical the game is, the harder it is for me to fall asleep.

It’s a cycle. I need to restart my body clock again. I need it so bad because I also have to start training for the Annapurna Circuit trek that I am planning to do on November. 

Hay, Ojhea…focus. Focus. Focus. January is almost over and before you know it, November would come knocking at your door. Better be ready. Remember, for the Circuit adventure to be possible, you have do everything in your job on time. TIME management, dude! 

Ok, I just really need to do some pep talk for myself (I need an expert. Lol). I just have to really wake up and not be a zombie, then I could work. For now, I need brrrraaaaiiinnnnsssss!!! 

Author’s note: See how messed up the flow of thoughts is? Yep.

Sunday (not) Currently Vol. 1

This should have been a Sunday Currently post as started by siddathornton.blogspot.com . I planned on doing it yesterday but the day was really full. I was so tired when I got home. I would try to do better next Sunday. This is my first one so I hope I do good. 

Reading “My Beloved World” by Sonia Sotomayor. It’s her memoir on her journey to being a Supreme Court Justice. Her story is inspiring, albeit a little scary for me. I share quite a substantial similarity in personality with her. Let’s just say I’m undecided if I like it.

Writing a secret favor for a friend. It’s pordalab. 

Listening to karaoke belting by my kuyas in the island. Of course, I sang a good number of songs too at the beginning but once they got hold of the mic, I had to wait a while before I was able to do a number again. I was quiet for a time because they were singing songs that came out before I was even born.

Thinking of my family back in the Philippines especially my sister. How one wrong decision could adversely affect multiple lives and if there’s a chance of restoration of damages done. Can’t help but evaluate my life as well. Wondering if I’m making the right decisions and if change is coming my way soon. 

Smelling chicken barbecue, chicken adobo, and grilled tuna cooking in the background. I’m the princess in this gathering, the guys are doing all the cooking. 

Wishing for some changes in my life soon. Some break in the routine, a restart in the cycle, some pleasant surprises, for a better year in general. 

Hoping for answers to my prayers, answers to my questions, for better relationships, a new mental floss. 

Wearing my loose girl-with-an-attitude blue shirt and soft long pants.

Loving how God makes me feel loved. Like this weekend, I was crying to Him on Friday night and then I got a message that made me smile and even laugh the next day. He never fails to do that every time I reach rock bottom emotionally. To that person who could have won a Miss Universe Q&A, thank you so much! I really needed that laugh. I also love that my car is so clean again courtesy of my frienemy. 

Wanting a renewed relationship with God, real friendships without complications, to read more inspiring books, to have long, sensible conversations.

Needing to finish my audit schedules. I know I sound like a broken record on this already but I’m almost there, I only need a few more adjustments. 

Feeling tired, happy, and full from all the holiday celebrations.

So there goes my Sunday (non) current recap.