For a while, I have forgotten the “angel” part of you. All I can see was the demon. It doesn’t help that I keep getting “excerpts” of your messages to her. I know now that a big part of the motive of the sender is to get my sympathy, to make me jealous probably, and to make sure that we never get back together. It worked.
There were times when I would lie in bed wondering what I was thinking, how I did not see the red flags waving, why I chose to go that path with you. I educated myself and learned more about the disorder and joined a forum of victims of people similar to you. I read their stories and it felt like it was my story they were narrating. The more I learned about it, the more I was convinced. I asked her also if she thinks you’re that kind of person and she said, “totally.”
For a couple of months, you are a demon in my sight. It did not help also that you confused how you treat me with her, you forgot that arrogance and fighting does not work with me. I don’t retaliate to such provocations. By doing such though, you just “demonized” yourself a lot more.
I decided to go “no contact.” It was not easy but I was able to do it. During that time, it helped that someone else was giving me attention, someone I also liked. That was when the Pastor decided to give a series on Joseph’s life (coincidence? lol).
The sermons focused on how upright he was. After that series, I have an ideal man in mind. The focus then shifted to Joseph’s father and grandfather; Jacob and Abraham. Jacob was a cheater, Abraham was a liar. Both are adulterers. Yet God used them mightily. God was able to transform them. They did not ask to be transformed. God just chose them and did whatever was needed to change them.
That was when I started looking at you differently. It’s probably the advantage of being a Christian. I saw you the way God saw those two patriarchs. I realized that no matter what evil you did, if God would choose you, He can use you in great ways. That was when the hatred disappeared. That was when I was able to let go.
Right now, I am happy whenever I see you active in church. I have yet to hear you participating in the Bible studies again. All of us have struggles, all of us have weaknesses. I hope and pray that God would bring healing to both of us. You damaged a part of me and by doing so, I discovered that there are more damages within that I did not give any attention of fixing because I was oblivious. You brought them all to light and because of that, no matter what you did to me or what we went through, I thank God for you.