Sometimes I think of you and I wonder what is going through your mind. I know a lot of things that I could not share to other people because they do not have to know. At the same time, they would not believe me also. I had a hard time explaining it to myself as well. I remember a conversation I had with Renee, a girl I met in Georgetown. I said, “I’m confused. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know if I was really ever in a real relationship, with a real person. I feel like everything was made up. I could not believe he could do that…all the things he did to me are pure evil, and I still could not grasp that he is capable of such things because he looks like…an angel.”
Reading about a particular disorder after a few weeks made perfect sense and in a way, gave me closure…something that I would never be able to get from you no matter how much I might have begged for it. I remember talking to someone after “the decision.” She told me that I have to be very careful and really guard my heart because no matter how strong I may appear at that moment, I would never be able to tell if I could stick to my guns or give in to your charms once we talk again; because all the girls in the past were not able to move on. I wondered then how that would be possible. Now, I know. You don’t give anyone closure. If all the past relationships are like ours and the girl before me, I now understand.
It’s funny that my description of you is almost a word-for-word description for other people, people who are like you, people who are not…normal. I prayed for you after we parted ways. As much as I feel bad for myself for getting hurt, I probably felt even worse for you. I can heal, I know I have a chance at true love, of being in a healthy relationship. I prayed for your miracle. That one day, you would stop craving for people and things you don’t have, that you would finally find real happiness. I’m still hoping that day would come. Hopefully, it comes when I can witness it. Then, I can fully say that God has indeed answered one of my most heartfelt prayers. If not, I feel bad for the next one…and I still feel bad for you.
I know that you tried to make us work. It’s just that you have needs…and your needs require other girls. At that time, there is no girl that could make it stop. I know you also dream of having a family, of raising kids, getting known in the community. However, you just can’t resist the temptations. One day, you would get married (again?), start a family, have kids…but I feel for your wife. I can already imagine all the stress that she would have to go through to keep you and your family together. The fake laughters, the fake smiles, trying to maintain the image that everything is going perfect.
However, the truth is she is losing sleep checking your emails, IMs, fb messages, texts, everything because she feels that something is wrong. She would try all the anti-aging creams and all the beauty products she could get but she would look and feel older and uglier than ever before. She would die a little bit each time you give another girl a glance because she knows your capability to flirt…she knows because she also fell for it. She would cry at night looking at your kids and looking at herself wondering if that is the kind of love she deserves. She would read every article on making relationships work and still feel like a failure. She would read checklists of ideal and/or healthy relationships and she knows that she is in the wrong one so she stops reading those stupid guidelines altogether. She would tell herself that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship anyway.
Your future wife used to be very confident and she is talented and idealistic. She has a strong persona. But you were able to break her…and she is now walking on eggshells. You are trying your best to hide everything you are doing from her just so she does not get hurt and make you stop doing it. You know you can’t stop. You also don’t want to. It feels good for you, to feel wanted and desired, to be the center of attention, to get everyone’s sympathy…and you still feel hallow inside. Your happiness are all short-lived because they are all superficial, based on latest exploits. Once you get tired of your trophy, you would want another one, a different one, or one you have let go of temporarily. You are a player, a hunter, a circus master all in one. But when the lights are out and the show is over, you are still empty. That is why you always have to be in the company of a lot of people and at the same time withdraw from all the people.
I wish I am wrong. Being friends with you again now and getting back a big portion of the attention you once gave me, I had to write this…because anytime, I might fall again. I have to remind myself that you are a good person in my sight once again but there’s another part of you that I have seen and I should not forget that. This is one of those moments when I feel the need to save me from myself. I am leaving soon, I don’t know if I would ever hear from you again. I honestly hope not. It would be nice to see you in the future but only after I have found myself the right guy already. I don’t want you to be a factor in my life and in my decisions once again. I want to be set totally free.
It’s a big world out there. There may be a lot of people like you, but there are more people like me.